What Do His Texts REALLY Mean??


Texting is hard to figure out with the sexting iPhones and the pea pod google tinders. What does anyone mean??? Everyone knows that when you put a sentence into a phone, it comes out the other end as a completely different sentence. What’s the deal with these words??? What does anything mean???? Why are we even here??????? Nobody has the answer to that last idiot question because who the hell cares, let’s figure out the other ones!


translation: hey (but like his head has turned into a whole smile as he’s saying it)

what’s up

translation: what would you like to do together today, oh everything? ok perfect

not much, just hanging out at home

translation: do you want to come over

i’m ok, just really busy lately

translation: i really want you to come over like now, i’m just nervous so you should ask and not me


translation: HAHAHAHAHHAAHA. I am laughing so hard right now. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHHAAHAHA.

sorry, i can’t tonight

translation: i’m really nervous and i don’t know what words mean

no thanks

translation: seriously really nervous, ask me a third time

seriously no

translation: shit no i messed up ok ask me a fourth time


translation: yes


translation: dude, yes


translation: see you soon!

i don’t think we should talk anymore

translation: i don’t think we should talk anymore if it’s not face to face and right now

dude leave me alone, NO

translation: come over to my house and let’s have a mock wedding

are you outside my house right now?????

translation: you’re here! what took you so long, i love you!

is that a scarecrow you’re holding or a person

translation: nice straw boy, bring him on in here and let’s hug!

please stop planting that scarecrow in my front yard

translation: are you crazy, bring him on inside!


translation: whoa, where’d ya get those sick moves, are you brendan fraiser or what the hell

what are you doing with those, are those beans? what are those?

translation: nice, beans. i love beans

where did you get those? i literally have been looking at you this whole time

translation: you’re a magician, too? marry me

please stop knocking on my door

translation: just kick it down and we can pretend it’s a skateboard thats wheels fell off

why did i ever start talking to you????

translation: i’m joking! this is a joke! laugh!!!!!!! i’m laughing!!!!! never stop laughing!!!!

are you building a small house on my lawn

translation: don’t you know you can just live in here, sweetheart?

please put your tools back inside… your tractor? is that a tractor? did you drive a tractor to my house?

translation: sick wheels, you’re hot as shit

i’m moving. i’m moving right now. i’m leaving everything i own here, i’m just leaving

translation: i have to go to the store, i’ll be back in a minute!


10 Questions To Ask Yourself That Will Put Your Life Into Perspective

hey it’s me audrey, today we’ll be discussing important questions to ask yourself if you want to stay alive in the world. here we go.

  1. Are you currently on fire?  DON’T be. It gives you a negative outlook and makes you look fat. Put a water on you. Refrain from climbing onto the candles all of the time, they’re not couches even though they look like them.
  1. Is the ground you’re walking on a ground or is it spikes? Spikes are there to hurt things that go on them. That’s what they’re for. If you are walking on spikes and not ground, take a deep breath and don’t do that anymore. There’s plenty of fine ground out in the sea! What? Sometimes I cry. Don’t walk on the sea, you can’t. Or do walk on it, fuck it, I don’t care. You’re not my mom and I’m not yours.
  1. Are you laying down when you walk? If you’re always laying down and moving at the same time, you may be mistaken for a big ass worm that is basically an idiot.
  1. Do you handle situations by not handling them? Good. Just die. It will help you to better not handle things you have to not handle for any of the other times you ever have to not handle them. What? Ok.
  1. Are you just going outside and sleeping wherever the hell? this one is actually fine, you can do this one if you want
  1. Do you think everyone is always talking about you and did you know that they are, literally everyone
  1. I like your chiffon cape and your fedora shoes, what’re you like a bat, don’t be, be a real boy
  1. Pardon me, i need to climb over you and is there always someone trying to climb over you and is it me, well LET ME, your life is a perspective, it’s fine
  1. Are you putting too much importance on what everyone else thinks about putting too much importance on what everyone else thinks i don’t know who i am anymore do you?
  1. Is your hand not a hand? Do you have like a claw there or a pan? Is there a baby there
  1. sometimes i think like a fat sailor lives in my house and is watching me
  1. once i fell down a stair, not all of them, just the 1 stair
  1. did you know that you can legally take a bath with whoever you want even if it’s like a ghost
  1. how many times do i have to tell you, beans. beans, man. whatever
  1. are you never not trying to climb into houses that aren’t yours, that’s no big deal, confidence is a Good Thing, you’re good, IT’S FINE. leave me alone,

12 Simple Ways To Feel More Relaxed

The world can be a stressful place.

We’re all constantly so caught up with our iPads and iPhones and our arm(s) and our beanbag chairs that sometimes it’s like, “!!!!!!!NO. WHY GOD. WHY. NO. WHY, NO.” Well, turn that facial expression that shouts, “I’m extremely depressed and anxious and probably need to seek professional help” upside down or whatever will make it so you’re a Strong Boy and use these horrible simple tools to find less more relaxation in your life!

1. Go outside. Feels better already, doesn’t it? Scientists say going outside and getting fresh air sends endorphins (small dolphins) your brain to make it like grow a mouth and actually smile, like your brain does that. Feel the sun on your face, aging you, feel the mouth inside your head smile which might cause a slight headache.

2. Spend a whole day with no make up, no jewelry, no pants, no phone, no legs, no head, eat only ORGANIC TRASH (no food), and see how relaxed you feel, also don’t sit in your house, sit outside (no house).

3. Instead of sitting at the kitchen table to eat breakfast, go outside. Don’t even eat breakfast, just go outside and that’s your breakfast, just take a moment to breathe in beautiful mother nature and let the sun’s nutrients feed you naturally.

4. Why limit yourself to the gym? Is it because it’s easier and you pay for it so you should probably use your fucking membership and also it’s inside and more comfortable? That’s stupid. Go for a run on the cracked sidewalk of your sketchy neighborhood. Maybe one of your crackhead neighbors will talk to you or try to kill you. And would you look at that, you’re outside again.
5. Move countries. This is an easy one. Pick up and move your entire existence to a foreign country! New things excite your brain and no one will speak your language so you’ll have to really pay attention to what’s going on because you’ll have no idea what’s going on.

6. Look out your window through your blinds. Is something going on out there??? What was that noise?? Who was that voice???? There’s something going on next door, THERE JUST HAS TO BE, just keep looking through the blinds for the rest of the day, you just have to figure this out??????


8. Replace your morning coffee that keeps your caffeine headache away and wakes you up with just not drinking it and having a terrible headache all day. You’ll feel 100% all naturally exhausted and organically won’t be able to concentrate on literally anything, just like they did in the 1400s (the Golden Years).

9. Stop avoiding people. Say hi to strangers. Say hi to every stranger. Never stop saying hi. Don’t ignore the dirty drunk man who shouts, “EXCUSE ME, MA’AM? EXCUSE ME? EXCUSE ME, MA’AM,” at you on your walk to work. What if he is a potential friend? Look people you don’t know straight in the eye and talk to them even if they act like they don’t want you to. Follow them to their cars. Follow them home! Bring a glass cutter to cut a hole in the window of their home in case they don’t want to let you in so you can TAKE CONTROL OF YOUR LIFE and let yourself in to the house that isn’t yours.

10. Stop and just look at the street. Look at it. Isn’t it beautiful? It’s a street. Do you see? Do you see the street? The street is outside, and SO ARE YOU AGAIN, YOU’RE OUTSIDE AGAIN, ISN’T IT NICE, LOOK THERE’S A TOOTHLESS GUY APPROACHING YOU TO ASK FOR CHANGE.

11. Take out your headphones when you’re in public and put them in someone else’s ears or on a dog someone is walking. Experience what’s going on around you as the owner yells at you to go away.

12. Light some candles and turn off all the lights in your room and when you hear a strange noise or a ghost and knock over a candle and your house catches on fire, go outside again, if you had been to begin with, this wouldn’t have happened to you.