Texting is hard to figure out with the sexting iPhones and the pea pod google tinders. What does anyone mean??? Everyone knows that when you put a sentence into a phone, it comes out the other end as a completely different sentence. What’s the deal with these words??? What does anything mean???? Why are we even here??????? Nobody has the answer to that last idiot question because who the hell cares, let’s figure out the other ones!
hey
translation: hey (but like his head has turned into a whole smile as he’s saying it)
what’s up
translation: what would you like to do together today, oh everything? ok perfect
not much, just hanging out at home
translation: do you want to come over
i’m ok, just really busy lately
translation: i really want you to come over like now, i’m just nervous so you should ask and not me
haha
translation: HAHAHAHAHHAAHA. I am laughing so hard right now. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHHAAHAHA.
sorry, i can’t tonight
translation: i’m really nervous and i don’t know what words mean
no thanks
translation: seriously really nervous, ask me a third time
seriously no
translation: shit no i messed up ok ask me a fourth time
no
translation: yes
dude
translation: dude, yes
NO
translation: see you soon!
i don’t think we should talk anymore
translation: i don’t think we should talk anymore if it’s not face to face and right now
dude leave me alone, NO
translation: come over to my house and let’s have a mock wedding
are you outside my house right now?????
translation: you’re here! what took you so long, i love you!
is that a scarecrow you’re holding or a person
translation: nice straw boy, bring him on in here and let’s hug!
please stop planting that scarecrow in my front yard
translation: are you crazy, bring him on inside!
hey HEY. get OFF MY TREE. GET OFF THE TREE
translation: whoa, where’d ya get those sick moves, are you brendan fraiser or what the hell
what are you doing with those, are those beans? what are those?
translation: nice, beans. i love beans
where did you get those? i literally have been looking at you this whole time
translation: you’re a magician, too? marry me
please stop knocking on my door
translation: just kick it down and we can pretend it’s a skateboard thats wheels fell off
why did i ever start talking to you????
translation: i’m joking! this is a joke! laugh!!!!!!! i’m laughing!!!!! never stop laughing!!!!
are you building a small house on my lawn
translation: don’t you know you can just live in here, sweetheart?
please put your tools back inside… your tractor? is that a tractor? did you drive a tractor to my house?
translation: sick wheels, you’re hot as shit
i’m moving. i’m moving right now. i’m leaving everything i own here, i’m just leaving
translation: i have to go to the store, i’ll be back in a minute!
none of this actually exists 