Congratulations on landing a job interview. Now it’s time to impress that hiring manager! Since all jobs are scientifically the exact same job, there are certain questions that all employers ask during interviews, and it’s important to be prepared. Listed below are the top ten most common interview questions, and best sample answers.
What is your greatest strength?
Best answer: very reliable, very nice. I’m patient and nice. generally good.
What is your greatest weakness?
Best answer: none, almost. sometimes I mistake my legs for my hands.
How do you handle stress and pressure?
Best answer: if ever i feel stressed, I just walk outside and like kick the shit out of a fence and then like bring it back inside with me and raise it over my head and shake it at everyone
Describe a difficult work situation and how you overcame it.
Best answer: one time I came to work wearing one of those inflatable tents and Susan was like, “what’s that” and I was like, “SHUT UP SUSAN, WHAT DOES IT LOOK LIKE” and kicked her leg. she’s a real piece of work
How do you evaluate success?
Best answer: success is pretty good, i like it. what’s “evaluate,” i don’t know that word
Why are you leaving your last job?
Best answer: bats are just, like, everywhere. it really seemed like a good idea at the time to release them into the office, but who knows what i was thinking that day
Why do you want this job?
Best answer: i really think you and i could be very good friends
Why should we hire you?
Best answer: no. too hard
What are your goals for the future?
Best answer: i have this idea for like a car but it’s more wheelbarrow than anything, like you push it, but there’s a windshield? i made a graph, here
Tell me about yourself.
Best answer:
none of this actually exists 
Brilliant. Absolutely Brilliant.