2014 Holiday Made-For-TV Movie Guide


The holiday season is in full swing and with that brings the premieres of 7974349702 new holiday themed made-for-television movies. Gather your loved ones around the television and tell them to shut the hell up, because these movies are better than them!

The 18 Dogs Who Fought Each Other To Save F*cking Christmas

Get ready for the toughest – or, shall I say ‘ruff-est’ (sometimes I cry backwards like into my eyes) – battle of the winter! Set in modern day Karen, the town, 18 of the same 1 dog fight the shit out of each other for the title of THE dog who fuckin’ saved fuckin’ christmas, watch this stupid movie, idiot, you know you’re going to.

A Rake That Was A Manger Too

Named 2009’s “What Is This. No Seriously What” film of the year, a small-town rake drives, yes drives, into town and proves to everyone that rakes that drive cars into towns can also be outside rooms where Jesuses are born, god my head never stops hurting, do you think there is a baby in there

Is That You, Santa? It’s Me, Jeffary

When a greedy fat baby doesn’t get the goat legs he asked Santa for, he looks Santa’s address up in the dictionary and calls him and says, “Is that you, Santa?” The greedy fat baby’s name is Jeffary. Then they show like a pigeon walking on a sidewalk for 33 minutes and the pigeon ends up walking into a McDonald’s. Jeffary dies.

The Magic Christmas Tree Gets Bullied

Every day on its walk to school, an actual tree wearing a backpack gets bullied by some cool boys in real time, like this is live and actually always happening. A Christmas tree is never not walking to school and wearing a backpack and getting told that it sucks by some guys. Happy holidays,

Dad Turns Into A Baby And Ruins Christmas 3

When Dad accidentally summons a dark lord and turns himself into a baby for the third year in a row, everyone just like dies. This movie is 34 seconds long

The Christmas Wish (This Chicken Wishes for Boy Legs)

When a chicken wishes for man legs from a shooting star who is NOT having a good day, the shooting star like goes down there and tells him THE HELL off. And then the star has sex with itself and the chicken pushes itself in a stroller around a Best Buy. Memorable line

STAR: “You’re a chicken idiot, you can’t wish and your legs are sticks. what’s next huh, you want a man mouth instead of that point beak? is that what you want???? i’m a star, and i’m mad as hell”

The Christmas Prince Dies

Sears, the store, is sad. They taped pretend eyes to the building and made it look like it’s crying, that’s the whole thing

Live tweet the premieres with @audipenny every day this week at constantly (pacific time).