Are you in need of some new music in your world?
Bored with your iTunes library? Looking to spice up your collection of EPs? You got ears? You got ears, idiot?
Well, sit back, relax and read on, my Rocker Boys!
Listed below are five artists that are about to take the music scene by storm. Get to know these hot up-and-comers and be the coolest Guitar Man on the block, for once in your life! Rock on!
1
Name: Feet Foot Fat
Who Are They?: Based out of Austin, TX, this band has legs for days. No but it does. It’s just legs AND fat ones, too. These fat legs sing at you with such passion, you’ll be like, “oh.” Critics agree, “what” and “the hell is this.”
Sample Song Lyric: I walked into your house and what did I see / piles of knight statues looking at me / what the hell is this shit, Tamara
– from “Piles of Knight Statues”
Where To Catch Them Next: A Carl’s Jr. in Arizona.
2
Name: Chili’s the Restaurant But A Band
Who Are They?: Imagine if your favorite family style restaurant was a band! Then forget about that, because that’s not what this is! Chili’s The Restaurant But A Band is three field mice who don’t know what words are but when they hold hands, music happens for some reason. Rolling Stone calls them, “probably not music and actually kind of frightening.”
Sample Song Lyric: Why do you have a crow in your bathroom / I thought it was a towel and it bit me
– from “Why Do You Have A Crow In Your Bathroom?”
Where To Catch Them Next: This, like, barn.
3
Name: Juuuuuust Kevin!
Who Are They?: 18 guys name Kevin team up and use their hands for instruments! Said one MO State Fair attendee, “they’re just clapping” followed by, “I think I’m going to go do something else.”
Sample Song Lyric: Let’s hit the dance floor / we’ll do it right / come on let’s dance / gonna make you feel like you’re floating / hang on you’re actually floating, oh god you’re a ghost
– from “Come On Let’s Dance Wait Unless You’re A Ghost”
Where To Catch Them Next: Kevin’s mom’s boyfriend’s house.
4
Name: Benchez With Feelingz
Who Are They?: Get ready for the most unusually sexual actual benches you have ever fucking seen or heard, too. You’ll feel extremely uncomfortable and go, “Is that a bench?” followed by, “oh no, what’s it doing?” when they take the stage and do frighteningly strange things with each other while also somehow singing without mouths, y’all.
Sample Song Lyric: Give me your hand / let me hold your hand / I want to hold your hand / wait is your hand a fin, what the hell
– from “Do U Wanna Hold Handz (With A Bench, Girl?)”
Where To Catch Them Next: Kevin’s mom’s boyfriend’s house.
5
Name: Actual Trash
Who Are They?: Actual Trash is the newest music trend to sweep the nation and has headlined literally every single music festival of 2014, sometimes being the only act IN THE WHOLE SHOW and just doing their set 19 times! Listen as Actual Trash flaps in the wind, hypothetically AND literally punching its contents into your ears. But don’t just take our word for it!
“I love Actual Trash!” said one 2014 Coachella Valley Music & Arts Festival attendee.
“I’ve been to every single one of their shows. What better is there to do with your life than follow Actual Trash everywhere?” said another.
“I think that garbage can onstage is trying to say something! I don’t know anything!” another person just like shouted at us, rudely.
Sample Song Lyric: You make me feel so safe and so right / in your arms, I feel the warmth and I feel the light / you have 8 arms and oh god you’re a fire octopus
– from “How Many Arms”
Where To Catch Them Next: Everywhere! Everywhere!!!! Everywhere everywhere everywhere everywhere!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
none of this actually exists 