Summer’s in full swing, and you know what that means: all of the TV series are on hiatus, making way for 37,000 new reality shows! Literally nothing else is on, what’re you gonna do, not watch TV? You gonna go outside and play, idiot? You gonna slide down a slide or some shit, you little baby? No way! Fuck you, watch these!
What’s That Thing?
Hosted by John Stamos’s leg, contestants will be shown everyday household items and be shout-asked, “do you know what this is??????” to which they reply “a blender” and John Stamos’s leg shouts “No!!!!!!!” and they go, “no that is actually a blender” and then the leg screams, “well, how am I supposed to know that????????” and cries tears, but from a leg.
So You Want To Date A Famous Skeleton?
Starring Dean Cain and the ghost of a fat skeleton, the lovely contestants have to travel into a strange cave and answer personal questions like, “You?????” and they’re like “yes” and skeleton says “OH YEAH????” and they go “what is happening” and then Dean Cain appears in a king’s robe and trips on a cave rock and falls into the deep cave and they all spend the rest of the series looking for him.
Finding Love With Fat Val Kilmer
Fat Val Kilmer travels though the Amazon all by himself and asks various trees, “are you my wife” and when they don’t respond he screams, “You’re not READY FOR LOVE!!!!!” and then he forgets that the tree didn’t say anything and offers it a rose and cries when it doesn’t do anything and the rest of the show is him trying to pull the large tree out of the ground with his hands.
Trash Legs 2: Paradise Casino
Get ready for a show so racy you’ll be like “what? Oh.” Set in a Vegas casino, 3 of the same 1 fat ghost just has sex with a man who only goes by Fat Fat the Shoe, and he IS a shoe. For 22 minutes, watch the staff of a hot Vegas casino try to shoo Fat Fat and the boys out, while people just trying to play games at the casino scream in horror and shout “WHAT ARE THOSE THINGS DOING???”
Savage Garden the Band Is 1 Guy Now
A behind the scenes look at what the band Savage Garden is up to. Spoiler alert: they stepped into each other and are now the same one guy.
17 girls compete for the love of a man named Lauren whose only interest in life is 1 particular chicken. “Have you seen him? This is him,” he tells 1 girl, showing her a photograph of an old fat hen before even asking her name. One girl starts to say “I’m Melanie-“ and Lauren starts weeping because he didn’t know anyone else knew words but him. Everyone dies.
3/5 of the Backstreet Boys travel inside an abandoned cruise ship while sitting on top of each other’s shoulders and clapping to examine the 57 different types of bats that now inhabit them and then teach the bats how to sing, y’all. Next, the bats form bat boy bands and compete to be America’s Talented Fang Boy. No one wins.