Hot New Reality Shows: Summer 2015 Edition

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Summer’s in full swing, and you know what that means: all of the TV series are on hiatus, making way for 37,000 new reality shows! Literally nothing else is on, what’re you gonna do, not watch TV? You gonna go outside and play, idiot? You gonna slide down a slide or some shit, you little baby? No way! Fuck you, watch these!

What’s That Thing?

Hosted by John Stamos’s leg, contestants will be shown everyday household items and be shout-asked, “do you know what this is??????” to which they reply “a blender” and John Stamos’s leg shouts “No!!!!!!!” and they go, “no that is actually a blender” and then the leg screams, “well, how am I supposed to know that????????” and cries tears, but from a leg.

So You Want To Date A Famous Skeleton?

Starring Dean Cain and the ghost of a fat skeleton, the lovely contestants have to travel into a strange cave and answer personal questions like, “You?????” and they’re like “yes” and skeleton says “OH YEAH????” and they go “what is happening” and then Dean Cain appears in a king’s robe and trips on a cave rock and falls into the deep cave and they all spend the rest of the series looking for him.

Finding Love With Fat Val Kilmer

Fat Val Kilmer travels though the Amazon all by himself and asks various trees, “are you my wife” and when they don’t respond he screams, “You’re not READY FOR LOVE!!!!!” and then he forgets that the tree didn’t say anything and offers it a rose and cries when it doesn’t do anything and the rest of the show is him trying to pull the large tree out of the ground with his hands.

Trash Legs 2: Paradise Casino

Get ready for a show so racy you’ll be like “what? Oh.” Set in a Vegas casino, 3 of the same 1 fat ghost just has sex with a man who only goes by Fat Fat the Shoe, and he IS a shoe. For 22 minutes, watch the staff of a hot Vegas casino try to shoo Fat Fat and the boys out, while people just trying to play games at the casino scream in horror and shout “WHAT ARE THOSE THINGS DOING???”

Savage Garden the Band Is 1 Guy Now

A behind the scenes look at what the band Savage Garden is up to. Spoiler alert: they stepped into each other and are now the same one guy.

Chicken Mansion

17 girls compete for the love of a man named Lauren whose only interest in life is 1 particular chicken. “Have you seen him? This is him,” he tells 1 girl, showing her a photograph of an old fat hen before even asking her name. One girl starts to say “I’m Melanie-“ and Lauren starts weeping because he didn’t know anyone else knew words but him. Everyone dies.

Boat Bats

3/5 of the Backstreet Boys travel inside an abandoned cruise ship while sitting on top of each other’s shoulders and clapping to examine the 57 different types of bats that now inhabit them and then teach the bats how to sing, y’all. Next, the bats form bat boy bands and compete to be America’s Talented Fang Boy. No one wins.

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The 7 Guys You’ll Date In Your 20s

Everyone knows there’s at least 9 guys in the world probably, and even more TYPES of guys. What? Anyways, listed here are the 7 guys everybody dates in their twenties.

The Guy Who Doesn’t Take Dating Seriously But Does Take Talons Seriously, As In Bird Feet

We’ve all been there. You really like a guy, but he’s “not ready to seriously date” because he’s “always too busy staring at photos of bird legs.” You text him, seeing if he wants to come over. He responds, as usual, with:

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The Guy Who Has Never Heard Of Most Things

It doesn’t matter what you talk about, it is guaranteed that there will be confusion. Perhaps you say, “I can’t remember if I locked my car,” and he says, “what’s that,” and you’re like, “What’s what,” and he’s like, “A car, is that this?” and points to his hand, and you’re like, “That’s your hand,” and he goes, “Right, right,” and this is your whole relationship.

The Guy Who REFUSES To Believe That Feet Aren’t Called Leg Hands

It’s always the same fight. You even MENTION the word “foot,” and he goes, “What is that” and you tell him, and he goes, “Don’t you mean LEG HANDS?” and you say, “Jesus, no, it’s a foot” and he starts screaming “NO. THAT’s NOT A REAL WORD, JESSICA” and then just shows you his hands, shrieking, “Why would they make two words for the same thing????”

The Guy Who REFUSES To Believe That Shoulders Are Real

You make the mistake one night of asking him to massage your shoulders, and he’s like, “I don’t know what you’re talking about,” and you point to your shoulders and he says, “There’s nothing there, you’re pointing to nothing,” and you grab him by the shoulders and shake him and he yells, “I DON’T. I don’t feel anything!!!!!!!!!!!!”

The Guy Who Thinks Every Woman He Sees Is His Mom

“Why do I have so many moms???” he is never not saying when you guys are out together. You try to explain to him that not all women are his mom, but then he just gets angry and shouts, “Not ALL men!!!!” and you’re like, “That has nothing to do with this,” but he’s not listening because he’s off scare-group-hugging like six frightened women shouting, “HELLO MOTHERS.”

The Guy Who Thinks Every Day Is Everyone’s Birthday And Is Always Stressed Out About It

“Why is everyone’s birthday on the same day??????” he wakes up shouting each morning, startling you. You calmly tell him that it’s not everyone’s birthday today, and he waves a calendar with nothing written on it at you and shouts, “Oh yeah? Then what does THIS mean, HMM?” and you say, “That is a calendar,” and he says, “PRECISELY.”

The Guy Who Consistently Calls You “Dad” On Accident

Talk about a Freudian slip*! Every time you try to have a conversation, you’re like, “Hey Jeff,” and he’s like, “Hey, Dad- sorry!” and you’re like, “it’s okay,” and he’s like, “ Okay, sorry, Dad- dammit” and you’re like “dude” and he’s like, “I KNOW. SORRY. SORRY DAD” and you’re like, “I’M MELANIE” and he’s like, “DAD. DAD DAD. DAD DAD SORRY DAD.”

*what does this phrase mean

The 10 Best “Friends” Episodes To Watch On Netflix Right Now

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2015 brought “Friends” to Netflix, causing many to excitedly binge watch every episode and others to post weirdly aggressive Facebook statuses about how they HATE “Friends” and THEY are doing OTHER things, HMMPH.

Anyways, not everyone cares that much one way or the other and if you just kind of want to watch a few episodes here and there, listed below are the ones to watch.

1

The One Where Ross Eats A Whole Ship

Ross eats a ship for the first 14 minutes of the episode. monica can’t tell if her new boyfriend is a banker or a chef and doesn’t want to ask. chandler and joey forget how hands work. rachel dies

best line: “are you eating a boat ross. ross are you eating a boat”

2

The One Where 15 Men Named Brenda Sit On The 1 Couch

15 men all named Brenda sit on the Central Perk couch for the whole episode. This episode takes place over a period of 8 years

best line: “we are all named Brenda”

3

The One With All The Lamps

It rains lamps at night, so all the friends are like, “what? is this day?” and then ross cries. a lamp bonks monica in the chin, so from now on all the friends are like, “MONICA. your chin sucks!!!!”

best line: no one talks in this one I think

4

The One Where No One Can Tell the Difference Between Ross And A Crying Baby

A baby pushes itself in a stroller into Central Perk at the same time as Ross walks in there and all the Friends are like, “hey ross” and the baby goes “hey” at the same time as Ross goes “hey” and they look at each other like “what???” and the rest of the Friends go, “who is ross?” and someone shouts “who cares” from the audience and then the episode’s over

memorable guest star: joey

5

The One Where Chandler’s Legs Fall Off And Turn Into Two Other Chandlers But Smaller

Chandler trips over a table and his legs fall off and he’s like “shit.” but then they like turn into little chandlers who are like, “could we BE any smaller????” and everyone laughs for 28 minutes until all the chandlers eyes start glowing and everything catches fire

6

The One Where Rachel Marries A Jeep Because She Thinks It’s Ross

When a jeep drives into Central Perk, everyone’s like, “hey, ross.” then rachel marries the car. the car just is ross now

7

The One With Chandler’s Brother Whose First Name Is Bing Too, His Name Is Bing Bing

Chandler’s brother visits chandler at his work and just goes nuts. like he just throws desks at people and eats everyone’s almonds. Both his first and last name is Bing, his name is Bing Bing. The other 5 friends are baking some beans, whatever

8

The One Where Joey is 18 months pregnant

Joey has been pregnant for almost 2 years and the gang starts to get the feeling that something might be up

best line: “we are worried about joey”

9

The One Where Fat Monica is All 6 Of The Characters

6 Fat Monicas just hang the hell out in her apartment and 1 of them eventually says, “hey why are all of us the same 1 person?” and then 6 fat Richards fall through the roof and everyone kisses

memorable guest star: fat Tom Selleck

10

The One Where The Central Perk Couch Quits

That couch that the friends hang out on all the time stands up and walks out the front door, pissed the hell off. A riot happens

memorable line: “fuck this. i. i am a couch”

memorable guest star: Alec Baldwin as “Ross”

2014 Holiday Made-For-TV Movie Guide

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The holiday season is in full swing and with that brings the premieres of 7974349702 new holiday themed made-for-television movies. Gather your loved ones around the television and tell them to shut the hell up, because these movies are better than them!

The 18 Dogs Who Fought Each Other To Save F*cking Christmas

Get ready for the toughest – or, shall I say ‘ruff-est’ (sometimes I cry backwards like into my eyes) – battle of the winter! Set in modern day Karen, the town, 18 of the same 1 dog fight the shit out of each other for the title of THE dog who fuckin’ saved fuckin’ christmas, watch this stupid movie, idiot, you know you’re going to.

A Rake That Was A Manger Too

Named 2009’s “What Is This. No Seriously What” film of the year, a small-town rake drives, yes drives, into town and proves to everyone that rakes that drive cars into towns can also be outside rooms where Jesuses are born, god my head never stops hurting, do you think there is a baby in there

Is That You, Santa? It’s Me, Jeffary

When a greedy fat baby doesn’t get the goat legs he asked Santa for, he looks Santa’s address up in the dictionary and calls him and says, “Is that you, Santa?” The greedy fat baby’s name is Jeffary. Then they show like a pigeon walking on a sidewalk for 33 minutes and the pigeon ends up walking into a McDonald’s. Jeffary dies.

The Magic Christmas Tree Gets Bullied

Every day on its walk to school, an actual tree wearing a backpack gets bullied by some cool boys in real time, like this is live and actually always happening. A Christmas tree is never not walking to school and wearing a backpack and getting told that it sucks by some guys. Happy holidays,

Dad Turns Into A Baby And Ruins Christmas 3

When Dad accidentally summons a dark lord and turns himself into a baby for the third year in a row, everyone just like dies. This movie is 34 seconds long

The Christmas Wish (This Chicken Wishes for Boy Legs)

When a chicken wishes for man legs from a shooting star who is NOT having a good day, the shooting star like goes down there and tells him THE HELL off. And then the star has sex with itself and the chicken pushes itself in a stroller around a Best Buy. Memorable line

STAR: “You’re a chicken idiot, you can’t wish and your legs are sticks. what’s next huh, you want a man mouth instead of that point beak? is that what you want???? i’m a star, and i’m mad as hell”

The Christmas Prince Dies

Sears, the store, is sad. They taped pretend eyes to the building and made it look like it’s crying, that’s the whole thing

Live tweet the premieres with @audipenny every day this week at constantly (pacific time).

How To Nail A Job Interview

Congratulations on landing a job interview. Now it’s time to impress that hiring manager! Since all jobs are scientifically the exact same job, there are certain questions that all employers ask during interviews, and it’s important to be prepared. Listed below are the top ten most common interview questions, and best sample answers. 

What is your greatest strength?

Best answer: very reliable, very nice. I’m patient and nice. generally good.

What is your greatest weakness?

Best answer: none, almost. sometimes I mistake my legs for my hands.

How do you handle stress and pressure?

Best answer: if ever i feel stressed, I just walk outside and like kick the shit out of a fence and then like bring it back inside with me and raise it over my head and shake it at everyone

Describe a difficult work situation and how you overcame it.

Best answer: one time I came to work wearing one of those inflatable tents and Susan was like, “what’s that” and I was like, “SHUT UP SUSAN, WHAT DOES IT LOOK LIKE” and kicked her leg. she’s a real piece of work

How do you evaluate success?

Best answer: success is pretty good, i like it. what’s “evaluate,” i don’t know that word

Why are you leaving your last job?

Best answer: bats are just, like, everywhere. it really seemed like a good idea at the time to release them into the office, but who knows what i was thinking that day

Why do you want this job?

Best answer: i really think you and i could be very good friends

Why should we hire you?

Best answer: no. too hard

What are your goals for the future?

Best answer: i have this idea for like a car but it’s more wheelbarrow than anything, like you push it, but there’s a windshield? i made a graph, here

Tell me about yourself.

Best answer: 

Things You Start To Think About In Your Late 20s

Here’s the thing: you get old and you die! Not, like, now, of course. Well, maybe now, but definitely not if you grow the hell up and start taking care of yourself, idiot! Anyways, you’re not going to be a baby man forever, and there will come a time when you’re forced to ponder things other than which pumpkin spice waffle to tinder on the Friday nights (“TGIF”), here’s a little preview!

Which vitamins should I be regularly taking?

Is that actual baby hotter than me?

What kind of moisturizer will keep my face from turning into a like actual fly?

Do wrinkles have mothers?

So when the hell are my teeth gonna fall out, 29 or what

How do you know if you’ll be used as a sacrifice when a group of teens walk by you?

Do I have a baby yet, like would I know?

How many days before they give you the baby do you know they’re going to do that?

Knees. what’s even the point of those

Is there such a thing as a bib store, like but for adults?

Which zinc pill isn’t lying?

Will the one hair growing out of my shoulder turn into a flower soon or what’s even the point of it

Am I too old to pull off high waisted shorts

Am I too old to pull off outside bones

Am I too old to pull off beard boots

Are all food processors cousins?

One time I bought 3 blenders because I thought they were 1 fridge

“Nice buns” – can I still say this

“‘SUP, MY FOUNTAINS *throws up hang loose sign*” – can I still say this

“BING BONG. BING BONG. HEY. HEY. HEY YOU. HEY” – can I still say this

Do they ever take your legs?

Does anyone want my legs, they’re idiots

Can you even be 19 years old anymore, like are you allowed

Which lotion do you use to not turn into like a lizard doing push ups and I would not like to use that lotion because I do want to be that actually

A lizard did push ups on my dad once

*puts arms around any high school kids I see* “Say, you kids still listen to the Bono boy?” – can I still do this at least?????

How can you tell if your skin is still there, will you know if it’s not?

Am I the plague

Crows feets: so crows think they can just walk the hell on me now, or what the hell is this shit

What’s my credit score? (just kidding – no one knows what this means.)

See? Getting older is fun! All you have to remember is that you can no longer care about anything you previously loved and only focus on these subject matters and nothing else for the rest of your life. Happy birthday, you unfortunate idiot!

5 Hot New Bands You Need In Your Life

Are you in need of some new music in your world? 

Bored with your iTunes library? Looking to spice up your collection of EPs? You got ears? You got ears, idiot?

Well, sit back, relax and read on, my Rocker Boys!

Listed below are five artists that are about to take the music scene by storm. Get to know these hot up-and-comers and be the coolest Guitar Man on the block, for once in your life! Rock on!

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1

Name: Feet Foot Fat

Who Are They?: Based out of Austin, TX, this band has legs for days. No but it does. It’s just legs AND fat ones, too. These fat legs sing at you with such passion, you’ll be like, “oh.” Critics agree, “what” and “the hell is this.”

Sample Song Lyric: I walked into your house and what did I see / piles of knight statues looking at me / what the hell is this shit, Tamara

– from “Piles of Knight Statues”

Where To Catch Them Next: A Carl’s Jr. in Arizona.

2

Name: Chili’s the Restaurant But A Band

Who Are They?: Imagine if your favorite family style restaurant was a band! Then forget about that, because that’s not what this is! Chili’s The Restaurant But A Band is three field mice who don’t know what words are but when they hold hands, music happens for some reason. Rolling Stone calls them, “probably not music and actually kind of frightening.”

Sample Song Lyric: Why do you have a crow in your bathroom / I thought it was a towel and it bit me

– from “Why Do You Have A Crow In Your Bathroom?”

Where To Catch Them Next: This, like, barn.

3

Name: Juuuuuust Kevin!

Who Are They?: 18 guys name Kevin team up and use their hands for instruments! Said one MO State Fair attendee, “they’re just clapping” followed by, “I think I’m going to go do something else.”

Sample Song Lyric: Let’s hit the dance floor / we’ll do it right / come on let’s dance / gonna make you feel like you’re floating / hang on you’re actually floating, oh god you’re a ghost

– from “Come On Let’s Dance Wait Unless You’re A Ghost”

Where To Catch Them Next: Kevin’s mom’s boyfriend’s house.

4

Name: Benchez With Feelingz

Who Are They?: Get ready for the most unusually sexual actual benches you have ever fucking seen or heard, too. You’ll feel extremely uncomfortable and go, “Is that a bench?” followed by, “oh no, what’s it doing?” when they take the stage and do frighteningly strange things with each other while also somehow singing without mouths, y’all.

Sample Song Lyric: Give me your hand / let me hold your hand / I want to hold your hand / wait is your hand a fin, what the hell

– from “Do U Wanna Hold Handz (With A Bench, Girl?)”

Where To Catch Them Next: Kevin’s mom’s boyfriend’s house.

5

Name: Actual Trash

Who Are They?: Actual Trash is the newest music trend to sweep the nation and has headlined literally every single music festival of 2014, sometimes being the only act IN THE WHOLE SHOW and just doing their set 19 times! Listen as Actual Trash flaps in the wind, hypothetically AND literally punching its contents into your ears. But don’t just take our word for it!

“I love Actual Trash!” said one 2014 Coachella Valley Music & Arts Festival attendee.

“I’ve been to every single one of their shows. What better is there to do with your life than follow Actual Trash everywhere?” said another.

“I think that garbage can onstage is trying to say something! I don’t know anything!” another person just like shouted at us, rudely.

Sample Song Lyric: You make me feel so safe and so right / in your arms, I feel the warmth and I feel the light / you have 8 arms and oh god you’re a fire octopus

– from “How Many Arms”

Where To Catch Them Next: Everywhere! Everywhere!!!! Everywhere everywhere everywhere everywhere!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!